You’re a wallflower.

 It was the winter of twenty-twenty-two. It had only been a few months since I started high school, and I hated it. I watched all these movies growing up stating that my four years in high school are the “best years of my life.” easily, that would be a lie. I never had a consistent group of friends, which made things so much more confusing. People who I used to hang out with, wouldn’t even acknowledge me anymore. I was utterly alone. I tried so hard to fit in,  yet still, I was not even myself anymore and still felt unwanted. Everyday for months, I was by myself. It didn’t help that I was at my absolute lowest, and experiencing my first round of seasonal affective disorder. Over winter break, I discovered this book, “The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.” I didn’t feel so alone anymore.The story follows a fifteen year old Charlie Kelmeckis, starting his freshman year of high school. He struggles coping with the loss of his best friend who died a year prior, and his aunt Helen who passed away when he was young. He also suffered from mild anxiety and depression. He mostly keeps to himself before meeting two seniors, Patrick and Sam who are his first real friends. Once the time comes for them to leave for college, his past begins to plague him. In mainstream media, it is very difficult to find a character I can genuinely relate to. Characters with mental illness or struggles, they usually aren’t portrayed very well. In this case, Charlie was different. I felt like my whole life was typed out on these very pages. After reading this book, cover to cover, I didn't want to keep pretending anymore. I didn’t want to try my absolute hardest to fit in anymore. Either people liked me, or they didn’t. For about a year and a half at this point, I had been playing pretend. Who I was, wasn’t me. It wasn’t until recently that I figured out why I stopped being myself. My mom had pulled me out of the middle school I had been going to for nearly three years. I had a few friends who genuinely enjoyed my company. I felt like I somewhat belonged, after feeling like an outcast for most of my life. I had roughly 5 months left until I was completely done with middle school, but my mom insisted I switch schools to “make more friends for highschool”, as I wasn’t going to the same high school as my friends anymore. I wasn’t happy with this, but I went through with it anyway, I didn't have a choice. Once I got to this school, I only surrounded myself with fake friends. I had to make new friends for high school, right? Over time, I only got worse. I didn’t like anyone I was friends with, I missed my old friends. I cried every single day. I didn’t feel like me anymore. I accepted the friendships I thought I deserved, while in reality I didn't deserve them at all. Once summer came, I felt free from all of these people, but I only carried these old patterns into highschool. I was a chronic friend group hopper, I didn't belong. No matter how hard I tried. I was alone for the first time in a while. I finally cut ties with past me, and decided to start on a clean slate, and start being the real me, not someone else. Even though years have passed since this, I am still working on this goal. Throughout my journey of trying to find this real version of myself, I still encountered fake friends who have drained me of my energy. People who I thought were my friends, really weren’t. During these times where I was ‘friends’ with these energy vampires, I hit rock bottom. I had to overcome this obstacle, and cut my ties, again. Most, I never spoke to again, and others kept trying to return. I didn’t want them to. Everytime I blocked them, they would come right back. I couldn’t escape them no matter how hard I tried. This had even come to the point where I felt a bit paranoid, because if someone makes it extremely clear they don’t want to speak to you anymore, wouldn’t you stop trying to reach them? With time, this anxiety has healed itself. I don’t feel so nervous anymore. Nothing hates me, or is actively out to get me.Now, how does one bounce back from falling back down in that hole again? I couldn’t figure it out for a while. I stayed upset, angry, and hurt. I really hated my life, until I had a few special people come into it. I didn’t feel so mad and angry at the world anymore. I felt understood, wanted. This made me feel a bit better about things. Though, things change. And people leave, but at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. For a really long time, I didn't think anyone noticed me. It was really hard to believe that people enjoyed the real me. It changed my life and the way I think about everything. I was always seen as a wallflower, an observer. Like charlie. I always watched everyone else, never participated. Now, as a junior, soon-to-be senior, I'm writing my own story, not reading one. Things have been different from this major turning point, and I couldn't be happier at the fact things have changed.This book, it runs so deep in my soul, as if it's an extension to myself. I will find my people one day, even if that isn't now. It taught me how to be myself, and I shouldn't have to put on a front to get someone to like me more. It made me realize that I won’t be a sad story forever. I am alive.